I had my youngest son a year ago just after turning 44. As a working mom, I found myself searching for a caretaker for my youngest son. It brought me back to my search 27 years prior for my eldest son who is now 28.
My childcare budget was $35 per week.
As a 17-year-old mom, I was searching like crazy for a babysitter I could afford on a waitress’s salary. I came across a woman in a newspaper who charged something around $35 a week. Driving to her house, I prayed it would work out with her. I had to work and didn’t make enough to provide financially. Driving to this woman’s house, I felt out of place and uncertain about the area. It was one of the few areas of Albuquerque I hadn’t yet lived.
I parked outside of the old house. If freshly painted, it would have been white. But, it was more of a grey and brown from years of lack of care. Walking toward the house, a woman who appeared to be in her seventies greeted me at the doorway. She appeared to be in pain and walked very slowly, inviting me to sit on the bench in the breezeway so we could talk. She didn’t invite me into her house where she would care for my five-month-old son. I felt so worried and uncomfortable. She immediately wanted to hold my baby, and with hesitation, I slowly handed him to her.
She almost dropped him.
There was cat fur everywhere. The benches we sat on were layered with dirt, making me wonder how long it had been since it has been cleaned. As I looked down at the trash scattered on the floor, the woman almost dropped my son. I immediately reached out to him, right before she caught him. She apologized, and I remember trying to smile to not make her feel bad. I thought about how hard my son would have fallen, hitting the cement if she wouldn’t have caught him. I stayed a few more minutes before telling her I had a couple of other sitters I was going to meet.
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When I got back into my car, I cried. Worried I’d never find a decent sitter for the cost I could afford. Thinking I might not find another option. I felt I was not a good mom and wasn’t doing enough for my baby.
Tide detergent made me trust her.
Days later, I found another woman who would become his babysitter. She had children of her own and a few others she cared for. I remember thinking she must be rich because I saw a bottle of Tide detergent and could smell its heavenly scent. The detergent I bought was a third of the price and left our clothes with no scent after washing. It may have been the Tide that made me trust her more.
I think back to those early years with my eldest son and how many mothers are going through similar situations today. So many moms also feel they are not good moms at times or that they are not doing or giving enough for their families.
I’m finding care for my youngest son 27 years later.
Last year was 27 years later, and I found myself again searching for care for my youngest son. At this point in my life, I’m deep into my career. I’m fortunate enough to work for a company that values work-life balance. One that provides benefits that contribute to my ability to best care for myself and my family. My selection of the caretaker for my baby this time around wasn’t based on a $35 per week budget or the smell of Tide detergent.
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I’ve found the best caretaker I could find for him. But just like many years ago, the nagging feeling that I’m not enough and that I need to do more surfaced. And I know that most working moms feel this. I realize this is a feeling that is prompted by societal pressures for women to be everything.
I think of my younger self and wish I could go back in time and tell her everything will be okay. To say, “You are enough, Heather. Always love yourself deeply.” Then, I realize . . . many of us are constantly feeling we are not enough or that we need to do more as moms. Those words I still need to tell myself now. Those words we need to tell one other.
“You are enough. Always love yourself deeply.”
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