***TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses sexual assault (without any graphic descriptions). The writer shares her ongoing journey of healing from rape.***
I took nine pregnancy tests the first time I missed my period. The tests all said positive.
I was pregnant.
A little over a month before I took these tests, I was sexually assaulted. Was this child his? My mind and body felt like they were spinning. I fell to my knees and prayed–shouted–to God, a higher power . . . someone. “Please give me the strength to do whatever I need to do for this child!”
This had to be one of the most challenging times in my life.
My first calls were to my detective and lawyer. I told them what had happened and the timing. I told them I had taken the morning-after pill when I had the rape exam with the SAFE Nurse the morning after I was tortured.
June 4th, 2017.
I was drugged, raped, and tortured for hours while I went in and out of consciousness. How can I be pregnant?
I went to get an ultrasound with my victim’s advocate. Then I cringed as they found a baby.
I was confused. I was in shock.
This is not how I imagined becoming a mother. They continued with a transvaginal ultrasound to get better measurements of the baby. I held my breath as the technician measured.
The baby was measured one to two weeks too young to be his.
I cried. I felt relieved. And I felt confused. This is how I became a mother.
My journey is not like everyone’s. I struggled to get pregnant with my first husband and thought that I would likely never bear children. I had been with my first husband for six years and never found a positive pregnancy test.
After the sexual assault, I was in a short relationship. I was either growing a child from that short relationship or the assault. I never fully believed that it wasn’t his until after my precious baby was born.
This was such a difficult journey of healing and growth for me.
I did tell the man that I was in a short relationship with that I was pregnant. For simplicity, let’s call him “Mark.” Mark refused to meet with me or pick up my calls as he was in a new relationship. I told him over the phone late at night. He demanded abortion, adoption, a paternity test, and more.
He didn’t believe the pregnancy was happening.
Mark wanted to go to church-led parent counseling. This counseling went nowhere, as he wanted to either have no contact with the baby or no contact with me. I was determined to be this child’s mom no matter what happened between Mark and me.
I was learning how to love myself and my unborn child after a traumatic event.
During this time, I was struggling to find a job. I was a restaurant manager at the time of my sexual assault. The man that assaulted me was a general manager from a different location. I could not return to work, and the restaurant fired this general manager. I ended up sleeping on my couch and not eating.
Luckily, I found a job cleaning homes. Although this was a huge blessing, this job was not enough to continue living in my tiny apartment.
So, I applied for a serving job at another restaurant. This restaurant was so impressed with me and my resume that they hired me as a manager instead.
I was almost evicted from my home. My car was repoed. I would not get my first paycheck from my new job fast enough to catch up on bills.
I was also attending court meetings then, and the detectives were working hard to get all the evidence they needed to put my assailant behind bars. This was such a difficult time for me. Challenging mentally, physically, and emotionally.
My baby continued to grow, and I was desperate for any support but afraid to ask for help. I walked to prenatal appointments and asked for rides or to borrow cars.
Mark’s new girlfriend and her mother decided to rent out their basement apartment to me. They wanted to keep me close to Mark since he spent so much time there. I took it. It seemed like a light in the dark and an answer to my prayers.
A few months later, my precious baby decided to come in January when he was due in the middle of March. I started bleeding while I was at work. More than enough ambulances showed up, and I was rushed to the hospital. I was in labor. This hospital tried to stop the contractions, but this attempt was unsuccessful.
They transferred me to a different hospital as they had no room in their NICU. I was moved, and the new hospital tried another way to stop contractions. This baby didn’t care for this. He came to this world on February 1st.
I was rushed to surgery, and my little guy was rushed to the NICU, but not before I kissed his head.
He stayed in the NICU for fourteen long days before they transferred him to a NICU closer to my home. Then he could eat without a feeding tube and passed the car seat test! We were able to go home.
» » » » RELATED READ: My Two Preemie Birth Stories :: Tips for Supporting Parents « « « «
After all those long days at the NICU, trying to heal, not being able to get the painkillers prescribed to me, being away from my baby, learning how to pump/breastfeed, and running out of money because of the parking fees at the hospital, learning to be a mom all by myself, birthing a baby all by myself, and so much more, I was home with my son. We were safe.
We were safe.
I resigned from my job after five long months of single parenting and missing out on so much of being a mom because of the weird working hours.
I moved in with my amazing, selfless mom and became a server again. My mom and I would work opposite schedules, and everything just worked. I love my mom so much for this.
I started going to the Albuquerque Rape Crisis Center and received the therapy I needed to understand and heal. My son was always there by my side. He taught me selfless love. He taught me how to love myself. My son taught me how to be a mom.
The man that raped me is in jail. He was sentenced to 13 years for violating me. I went to court to give a Victim Impact Statement. I was shaking and crying from having to see him again. But I could hold my ground and give my statement while my father and stepmother held my son in the back of the courtroom.
I will never be alone again, and I will never be vulnerable again. I am a rape survivor.
Mark fought for custody and dragged me through court. He did this to please his girlfriend and her family. He wanted to show them that he was a good father. They also wanted to be a mother and grandmother to my son. Once he told them he didn’t want to be a father, they were furious and no longer wanted to be a part of his life. We attended meditation and reached a mutual agreement where I have full custody.
I decided to share this with you on this platform because we all go through trials as moms, which can make us better moms. We grow and learn every single day. I learned so much and am still healing in every way possible. I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). And I have severe anxiety. I have depression. I go months without caring for myself, but I push everything aside to care for my children.
It’s okay to be on a journey, a healing journey.
I want every woman to know that it can seem like her world falls apart when a traumatic event happens. And mine did. It fell apart in every way possible. I also want you to know that you are worth being here. You are strong! No matter how long your healing road is or how you choose to heal, YOU ARE WORTH IT. This horrible, life-changing, traumatic event has made me a better mother and human.
Overall, becoming a mom was not easy for me. It’s challenging for everyone. But it’s worth it.
#metoo #ABQMom #rapesurvivor #selflove #singlemom #mystory #RCC
RESOURCES:
RCC (Rape Crisis Center) of Central New Mexico : (505) 266-7711
DVRC (Domestic Violence Resource Center) : (505) 843-9123
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) : 1 (800) 656-4673
Casa Fortaleza : (505) 910-4031
UNM Women’s Resource Center : (505) 277-3316
VAWA Immigration Project : (505) 724-4670
TGRC NM (Transgender Resource Center of New Mexico) : (505) 440-3402
NMAFC (New Mexican Asian Family Center) : (505)717-2877
The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of ABQ Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.
