Mother-in-laws are considered to be one of the most difficult relationships ever known to womankind. In an attempt to help, here is my guide to figuring out the dos and don’ts of being a good mother-in-law. With input from the ABQ mom team (as well as my mom and mother-in-law!), I’ve compiled a list of things that will likely damage the relationship, as well as a list of things that will help you develop a strong, healthy relationship with your child’s partner.
Don’t
Let’s start with the don’ts. Some of these may seem like common sense, but these relationships get tricky and they get tricky quickly. Sometimes it’s best to just spell it out!
1.) Don’t look at your daughter-in-law/son-in-law as someone who stole your child away. This turns things into a “me vs. them” mentality for all parties, and it’s really hard to come back from or have any kind of meaningful relationship.
2.) Don’t be hostile to your in-law or try to turn your family against them.
3.) Don’t compete with your child’s spouse. This is not a competition. Instead, find commonality where you can and choose to compliment her on things that inspire you.
4.) Don’t stop by without calling. This is especially true during dinner or bedtime.
5.) Don’t offer unsolicited advice (especially if your advice directly contradicts the parenting choices of your child and their spouse).
6.) Don’t involve yourself in their finances or take money from them.
7.) Don’t post pictures of grandchildren on social media if your child or in-law expresses that that makes them uncomfortable.
8.) Don’t try to talk your child out of marrying their partner.
9.) Don’t expect that every family vacation will be to your home if you live far away. They want to make memories as a family too!
10.) Don’t violate set boundaries. (Here’s a post with some helpful recommendations on boundaries).
11.) Don’t favor one set of grandkids over another.
Do
Now that we’ve made it through the difficult part, let’s talk about things that can help build the relationship and make it a productive, loving, and lasting one!
1.) Do be kind. Offer compliments on things you know your in-law does well such as parenting, her job, the clothes she chooses, or her talents.
2.) Do get to know your in-law. What do they like and what are their interests and hobbies? Be intentional about your desire to get to know them.
3.) Do take an interest in your grandchildren. Help build up their self-esteem and give them the confidence to navigate through their lives. Children benefit greatly from having grandparents that love them and think they’re awesome!
4.) Do let parents know the gift budget for holidays/birthdays and ask what the parents want you to purchase for the kids. This makes things easier for everyone and avoids any awkwardness.
5.) Do involve your children’s significant others/spouses in family gatherings and activities. Give them space if they’re new to the family, but always make sure they know that they’re included.
6.) Do be respectful of different family cultures and expectations.
7.) Do support their parenting decisions even if they vary from your own.
8.) Do listen. Learn what is important to them and change behaviors when necessary.
9.) Do give advice when asked! (I can’t tell you how many times I have called my mom or mother-in-law for advice on various things.)
10) If you are divorced or no longer with your child’s parent, do maintain a cordial relationship with them when you all have to be together for holidays. This makes things easier and more pleasant for everyone.
11.) Do go to therapy if you’re struggling to get along or maintain relationships without conflict. Your family needs you and you deserve to be healthy!
Being a mother-in-law is an important relationship. It truly is a privilege! I hope that this guide was useful and that it provides reflection.
The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of ABQ Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.
