Tim and I sat in the waiting room, and all I could think was: “This is not how I pictured having a baby.” We had been asked to leave the room of the baby we were adopting.
Infertility and Loss
Tim and I had tried to get pregnant. We had tried fertility treatments but my stage four endometriosis not only made me unable to conceive, but the doctors said my “stuff” looked old. I was in my twenties, and my ovaries and eggs looked like that of a forty-year-old.
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Our case worker told us to grieve the idea of having biological children. “Adoption is not for the faint of heart,” she said. Therefore, she recommended focusing on one thing, adoption, and grieving everything that had to do with biological children. So, I grieved the loss of experiencing pregnancy, labor, having a labor story, and looking at my children to see my or Tim’s features in them. I never would be able to say, “He does that like you, or he has your eyes.” So we grieved and threw our hearts wholeheartedly into adoption.
Birthmothers
Erin was the third birthmother that had picked us. We met her on July 6 of that year. It was her eighth baby. The past two birthmothers had been young and experiencing a first baby. Erin was older and knew what it was like to have a baby. And we figured she knew how hard it would be to give one up. We regularly met with her to talk and get to know each other.
On October 15, she went into labor. Excitedly we hopped in the car and drove to the hospital. Our baby was being born!
Adoption and Birth
He was beautiful, with dark hair and so tiny. We held him and named him, Noah Lucas. The next two days we got to spend with mom and baby in the hospital. But, then everything came crashing down when dad showed up. He had been contacted before and showed no interest in the baby. However, something changed, and now he was there. Tim and I had to leave, and we were like uninvited guests to a party.
Still, our case worker thought it would work out. Therefore, she told us not to worry. But the next morning came, discharge day, and no phone call came. We waited and waited, knowing something was wrong. I will never forget the only time in my life that I have seen my husband cry as he answered the phone from the case worker. No words were needed. His face said it all. I collapsed on the couch.
Death of Motherhood
My world came crashing down. I believes I would never ever be able to be a mother! During the whole process, I had been positive. Again and again, I had accepted not being able to get pregnant. Furthermore, we tried treatments and drugs. In addition, we went through the home study process and adoption training. Finally, two young girls picked us and changed their minds. And now, this!
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I felt physically sick. For me, this was like death. It was the death of motherhood. Henceforth, I told myself I would never forget that feeling.
Grief and Honesty
If you are in the midst of grief, I am so sorry. For me, honesty was so important. No problem can be solved without identifying it first. Let yourself feel. I let myself feel, be angry, disappointed, and upset that things weren’t what I thought. Consequently, in my honesty, I saw how much I was trying in vain to control everything. One thing I learned through all of it was how little I control. I tried everything, but couldn’t get pregnant. I worried about the birthmother changing her mind. Yet, she did anyways.
Life had not turned out how I envisioned it, so I let go of my plan. I stopped trying. When I let go, I learned to be open to a different one and began to have hope again. A source of hope can help us take one small step forward. That hope for me was that I was a loved child of God no matter if I ever became a mother or not.
Hope After Adoption Loss
I never expected to get pregnant. Yet, thankfully, God was gracious. After that awful day and five years of trying, the next year I got pregnant! Currently, I am pregnant with my sixth child. As I look back at what I’ve been through, I can’t believe how different life is now than that day! Again, my life did not turn out how I thought!
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