Parenting is an amazing journey filled with many ups and downs. The love and support of our children, partners, families, and everyone in our circle make it much more manageable and often just wonderful!
However, there are times when a relationship comes to an end no matter how hard we try, how much time or effort we put in, and how much love we have for someone. When the relationship ends between parents, not only are you dealing with a breakup, but you also now have to face a new reality: single parenthood.
When Plans Fall Apart
We all know how hard a breakup can be. They all hurt, from your high school sweetheart to the ending of a marriage. When a breakup or separation happens after kids, it becomes that much harder. Now you don’t only have to deal with your own feelings, you have to help tiny humans deal with their feelings as well. When all the plans you had for your future fall apart in front of you, it can feel like the world is ending.
Your world may be collapsing, but there are still meals to make, appointments to keep, lunches to pack, playdates, school activities and extracurriculars.
It takes the phrase “the world doesn’t stop” to a whole new level. Depending on how old the kids are, there are probably lots of questions too, even questions we don’t know how to answer.
» » » » » » » » » » RELATED READ: It Takes a Village: Love for My Single Moms « « « « « « « « « «
I didn’t plan on being a single mom. At one point I thought I had everything I wanted. In fact, I was so afraid of changing the status quo and the idea of being a single mom that I ignored a lot of things that I shouldn’t have for a long time. When the split finally happened, it felt like jumping off a cliff into the dark.
It’s Okay to Not Be Okay
Having to convince both myself and my kids (ages 1 and 5 at the time) that everything was okay was one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. Then I realized something: it’s okay to not be okay.
In parenthood and life in general, some days are worse than others. And there are days when we are not okay. When parents are separating, it’s often messy and complicated. Depending on the circumstances, there may be court hearings, custody arrangements, child support, changing benefit coverage, visitation and timesharing schedules, notifying schools or daycares of relevant changes, and many more things to address. It’s stressful and tiring, and now you’re trying to navigate parenting alone amid the chaos.
During this period of my life as a new single mom, I made an important decision. Instead of trying to pretend that everything was okay, that I was okay, I wanted to be honest with myself and my kids. No, things are not okay right now. But that’s okay because things won’t be like this forever. No, I am not okay right now, but I will be.
Years after the separation, we’ve found our new normal. We are okay.
Yet, there are still hard days, days when I’m not okay. Parenting alone takes a lot of energy, and sometimes I’m maxed out. There are days when I have a short fuse, days when I cry out the frustrations of life in the shower, and days when making dinner feels harder than climbing a mountain.
When I have these days, I try my best to let my kids know that I’m not okay today. I’m having a rough day. I try to model healthy coping and regulation skills. On the occasion that I lose it and do something I shouldn’t, I apologize.
Parents are humans too; we’re not always going to be happy every second of our lives. It’s okay if you’re not okay right now, but don’t worry too much. It won’t last forever.
Finding Your Village
Most of the time, we aren’t as alone as we think that we are. You’ll be amazed at how many people in your life are willing to help you when you ask. Sometimes it takes courage to ask for help, but it can be so worth it.
“It takes a village” is not a metaphor. It really does take a “village” to grow healthy human beings. If you don’t have many people in your life right now, it’s never too late to build a village of your own as a single mom.
Immediate family, extended family, friends, coworkers, teachers, school and daycare staff, and local community groups can all introduce people to our lives who become part of our village. From babysitting to helping with school pick-ups and drop-offs to having someone to vent to, support can come in many forms.
Having a good group of people in your life can make a world of difference, especially for a single mom.
My mom covers babysitting, both on nights when I need a break and days when schools are closed. My dad always makes sure the kids get where they need to go if I need help. My aunt and uncle always cover backup care and make sure my kids are always in style. My friends are always cheering me on through the good and bad. My coworkers will patiently listen to my rant in the breakroom. My kids’ teachers and school staff help them cope with the tumultuous emotions when I can’t be with them. Thank you all for being my village! I couldn’t do what I do without your love and support.
I hope you all find your villages too because life wouldn’t be the same without them.
Falling in Love Again
Single parents, I hope you fall in love again. Some of you may be fortunate enough to find a new partner. Congratulations to you! For those who don’t, haven’t yet, or chose not to, I hope you fall in love again too.
I hope you fall in love with your new life, your new normal, even if it’s not what you used to envision for yourself.
Each day that you complete is worth celebrating, even if the biggest thing you did today was keep everyone alive. Your little humans are amazing and so are you.
Most importantly, I hope you fall in love with yourself. Loving ourselves can be so difficult, even more so after becoming a parent. There are so many distractions, and we find so many reasons to criticize and doubt ourselves. If only we can love ourselves as much as we love our littles and as much as they love us.
You matter.
Your effort is noticed.
You are loved and worthy of love.
You are amazing exactly as you are.
You are doing a great job.
