When you have a child, the last thing on your mind is what would happen if you and your partner split up. Yet, this is a reality that a lot of moms face. Things happen, people change, hard choices have to be made, and sometimes, that means that mom and dad need to go their separate ways.
In an ideal world, parents would be able to stay together as partners for life. When parents do have to split up, the next best thing would be for them to continue as equal partners in parenting.
But sometimes, when all is said and done, these best-case scenarios feel like fairytale stories, while you’re stuck here in reality, facing a future as a single mom.
Where do you go from here? You find yourself in unknown territory, having to figure out things you’d never thought about before. You’re trying to navigate your own emotions after the end of a relationship; all the while, you’re still a full-time mom with your kids who are just as unsure and scared as you are. What’s next, mama?
While there is no perfect answer, here’s a list of a few “next steps” that I found myself going through after my split.
Take Time to Heal
No matter the circumstances of your split, you’re going to need time to heal and recover from the hurt that the separation of a family causes. Try not to underestimate the amount of time and energy it takes to heal. You wouldn’t rush back into life after a major surgery! Even though you can’t see it, a broken heart is just as significant.
Depending on what you experienced during your relationship and separation, you might need more or less time to recover. Remember that there’s no standard timeline for healing! Some people heal more quickly than others. Try your best not to let others dictate your timeline. Try not to compare yourself to others. Everyone deals with pain and grief differently. People also don’t heal in a straight line; it’s more like a roller coaster, where some days are better than others, and even the best day can be followed by a really rough one. It’s all okay, and it won’t last forever.
» » » » » » » » » » RELATED READ: I Didn’t Plan on Being a Single Mom « « « « « « « « « «
Consider Therapy
Any breakup is significant, but the split of a family is a really big deal. Sometimes, you can feel like you’re drowning and have no idea what to do next. I urge you to consider therapy. A therapist can be an amazing resource, especially when you’re struggling to process a lot of emotions. Just having a third-party adult to talk to can provide a lot of support and perspective.
Consider therapy for the kids, too! As big of a deal as it is for you, it’s just as big of a deal (if not bigger) for your children. As much as we sometimes feel like the end-all-be-all for our children, moms don’t know everything. Having another adult who can help support your kids through this time is a huge help.
Navigate Child Support
In the state of New Mexico, custodial parents must file for child support before being eligible for many of the state’s assistance programs, including food stamps and child care assistance. Since these programs can make a huge difference to a single parent, you may find yourself in the position of trying to figure out child support, whether it is something that you had wanted to pursue or not.
Child support is a topic that has many preconceptions attached to it. However, while it may not be the best system, the goal is to provide a stable environment for the children involved. If you find yourself in the position of having to apply for child support as a newly single mom, the best advice I can offer you is to try not to let emotion cloud your judgment. It can be easy to feel vindictive, angry, resentful, or even guilty when dealing with child support issues. Keep in mind that the point is to provide the best environment possible for the kids. Whether you’re paying child support or receiving it, keep this goal in mind as much as possible.
For more information on New Mexico Child Support:
Find Support
Any mom can tell you that it’s basically impossible to do it all alone. Becoming a single mom can make you feel like you will need to handle everything alone, but this is when it becomes even more important to build your support system. Family and friends can be a huge source of emotional support and more. These people are often the core foundation for building your “village.”
Sometimes, you may need more help than family and friends can provide. Thankfully, Albuquerque has quite a few resources to help parents who are going through a hard time, especially single moms.
Here are a few local resources that can help you find physical or financial support, child care resources, educational support, or help you build friendships and gain emotional support.
- New Mexico Kids: Home Visiting Resources
- Alongside Ministries Albuquerque, Inc: a program that connects single mothers to Christian mentors
- WIC: provides free access to healthy food and health education for women and children in the community
- Sagebrush Pit Stop: offers free oil changes and basic automotive care to single moms and the elderly
- Embrace Life: a Christian single mom support group
- Student Parent Initiative: UNM organized list of resources for parents
- ABQ Mom’s Mom Groups in Albuquerque: a great list of places to meet new friends and make connections with local moms
- ECECD: preschool and childcare are FREE to many families in New Mexico, find out if you are eligible
» » » » » » » » » » RELATED READ: It Takes a Village: Love for My Single Moms « « « « « « « « « «
Give Yourself Grace
There’s no easy way to get through a difficult situation. Figuring out life after parents split is going to be hard. Give yourself grace, mama.
It’s going to take time to figure things out. You won’t have all the answers. There will be issues that come up that you never expected. Feelings may come up at unexpected times. Your kids may cope with or process things in surprising ways. You’re probably going to be caught off guard more than once. And some day, you may reach a point where the time you’ve spent as a single mom becomes more than the time spent parenting together.
Take it one day at a time, give it your best, and remember that you’re only human.
