Let me start with this: I’m not bashing dads. Some dads are amazing. Some are partners in the truest sense of the word. But some of us . . . we’re living that married single mom life.
You know what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about having a partner, but feeling like you do all the parenting by yourself.
Like . . . he’s a great guy. He works a lot. But so do I. And somehow, I’m the one who takes the mental load of the house and family. I know the kids’ shoe sizes. And I know when the therapy appointments are. I do drop off and pick up for school, and so much more.
And your partner just . . . works a lot. Or is so tired. He has all the work projects on his mind and needs to bulk up at the gym without caring who has the children because you do.
Or he needs a drink at the bar with his coworkers after work to relax before he comes home to his family. The family that we were with all day with no breaks even when we go to the bathroom. No breaks.
We’re the default parent. The married single mom.
We are the parent who gets all the calls from school. We are the parent who hears “mom” more than we can count in a day. If a kid is sick, we are the ones who have to drop everything to take that kid to the hospital.
We get asked for a glass of milk and a cookie while we are sitting in the living room and the other parent is in the kitchen. This never makes sense to me.
We have the grocery list in our phone or head. The calendar. The laundry. When the kids’ library books are due. The bedtime and morning routines. The family to-do lists and mental notes that are never-ending.
Parenting is a full-time gig in and of itself. It is exhausting. It is mentally and physically draining. Parenting is so worth every single second, but it doesn’t take away the exhaustion.
I work full-time. I am an executive virtual assistant for four clients; I basically help balance these clients’ lives and businesses. Every. Single. Day. This is to make money for my family and pay the bills.
So, I negotiate contracts, advocate for clients, answer emails, potty train, cook dinner, sweep the floor, take the kids to therapies twice a week, and so many more tasks. Oh, and I help clients and children with their meltdowns.
I don’t just work. I try to volunteer at the Rape Crisis Center of Central New Mexico and go to therapy myself and take a shower and sleep once in a while.
Every day, I try to set time aside to take a walk or work out. I try to keep up with my friends and family.
I try to do the laundry and dishes as much as I can, while making dinner and sweeping the floor. Cleaning up after two energized kiddos is no easy feat.
Why does this happen to us as women and mothers? We carry this huge mental and physical load for our family?
Maybe because of the past generations of women doing the housework and raising the kids. This is cultural for some. Or maybe because one parent makes more money than the default parent. Some of us were persuaded because childcare is so expensive. We all have different reasons in our lives.
What do I want my partner to know?
I just want a true partner. Someone who doesn’t need to be asked to clean the training toilet every time they see it is used. Someone who doesn’t “help” with the kids but parents them.
We want some time off that doesn’t require a huge training session and a handbook. We really don’t want to carry the full weight of the family’s logistics in our heads every single day. And we want to be seen.
To the married single moms, you aren’t alone.
You are not crazy. You are not failing. And you are not weak.
You are tired. You are carrying too much. And you are doing the best that you can.
You are the boss, janitor, therapist, nurse, chef, referee, snack manager, driver, and more.
But you really shouldn’t be. And you shouldn’t have to be.
You deserve to ask for more. You deserve a safe place to vent. And you deserve to say “no.” You deserve a babysitter. You deserve therapy appointments. You deserve boundaries. And you deserve naps. You deserve peaceful showers. You deserve the world.
Mama, you deserve self-care every day. Remember to take care of yourself.
You deserve an active parenting partner. Not because we’re sinking, but because we shouldn’t have to swim alone.
Originally published May 2025.
