From the moment I found out I was pregnant again, I held my breath. Sometimes, it feels like I have been holding my breath ever since. Now that my rainbow baby has just turned four, I look back at our time together. While there is so much joy, I still feel incredibly guilty for holding my breath. Every doctor appointment, every new symptom, every new diagnosis, I was holding my breath, waiting for another loss. I never truly enjoyed spending time with my belly. It was as if the busier I was, the faster time would pass, and I would finally have my baby.
I had a high-risk pregnancy. The baby was diagnosed with a heart murmur in utero. On delivery day, she had wrapped herself three times in her umbilical cord. There was meconium present due to the distress we were both in from a terrible aversion to the induction medication that was used. My oldest brother, my parents’ first child, passed away a little over 48 hours after birth due to swallowing meconium.
Mom Instincts
I have always felt so guilty for being detached and waiting for the worst outcome. But the minute I was told meconium was present, I kicked into mommy mode and was determined to have my baby in my arms forever. I pushed, we fought, and she made a healthy entrance into the world with only some NICU checks.
I have spent her whole life trying to make up for this. Intending to give her everything to make sure she always knows how special she is and how much she is loved. I could not imagine a world without her.
Toddler Age
But with toddler years came defiance, pushing limits, and discovering the world. Not only was I raised in a “children must be seen and not heard” household, which left me with very few tools, but she is my rainbow baby! How can I tell her “no”?
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I do not have it all figured out yet, and while she is still so special, I remind myself every day that she will be the best human and that my job is to discipline her whenever necessary. I have read all the gentle parenting articles and have learned so much about rewiring my brain as I teach her and my three year old right from wrong.
Discipline
Here are the things that have worked the best for us as we discipline our toddler:
- Understanding that toddlers will respond emotionally and do not have the same capacity as adults to rationalize what is happening. This one is mostly for me. It reminds me to stay calm and that she is not intentionally looking to aggravate me.
- Not giving in to the tantrums even when in public. It can be embarrassing and overwhelming to have your toddler throw a tantrum in public, but it’s important not to give in and allow her to feel what she needs to feel until she is ready to discuss. Instead of reacting poorly, take this as an opportunity to model the behavior you’d like to see from your toddler.
photo credit: Rosalinda Photography - Seeing consequences through. Not only is it important to have consequences, but toddlers are very clever and will try to talk you out of a consequence; you must see it through. In my house, we use time-outs as a form of discipline to allow them to t21ake a pause. I once heard you should give children a minute of time-out for every year of their age. So our 3-year-old gets three minutes, and our 4-year-old gets four minutes. This is our go-to because not only does it quickly redirect the child from the situation, we can also easily set the timer with Alexa.
- Using positive reinforcement. This one was also very hard for me. I grew up hearing “NO.” I have to actively and constantly rewire my brain to praise good behavior instead. “That was really nice! Good job helping your sister up that step.” “That was awesome; thank you for sharing your toys.”
Overall the biggest lesson for me has been that my rainbow baby will always be my special rainbow baby, but I committed to giving her the very best when I brought her into this world. And that includes the best version of myself as a mother, teacher, and caretaker.
Originally published May 2025.
