SEX, we all think about it, we all dream about it, and we all do it . . . well, we all DID it.
Let’s talk about sex, baby!
Sex after motherhood can be, well, daunting.
Remember the best sex you’ve ever had? Most of us do. Not because of the hunky, sexy man or woman who we allowed into our zone. But instead, we remember it because of the way it made us FEEL. Sex is, well, sexy.
We want to feel sexy before we do it, during it, and after. But sometimes it’s hard to . . . well, get there. ESPECIALLY after you’ve carried and grown a child for nine months and were in labor for God knows how long (for me, 16 hours) and then pushed an actual human being out of your vagina! So yeah, sex isn’t always the first thing on the mind after childbirth.
I don’t know about you, but when I got home from the hospital, sex was the last thing I was thinking about. As for my husband, he was still recovering from seeing me poop myself while giving birth. Yup, that’s right, some women even poop. I mean, can you blame us? We are pushing, like, really hard.
I was trying to heal mentally, emotionally, physically, and more specifically, “down there” after childbirth. Every time I peed, it felt like I was pouring alcohol on an open wound. And don’t even get me started on pooping. Every time I pooped, at least for the first week, it felt like I was reliving childbirth all over again.
I remember taking a shower and curiosity got the best of me.
So I reached down there to feel how my recent endeavor changed me. OMG . . . where did my vagina go? What is this cave that I suddenly have? Forget the family vacation kids, Carlsbad Caverns is right here! Oh, and please save yourself and DO NOT look at your vagina after childbirth. I mean, you can, but I’m warning you, you won’t be happy.
Now don’t get me wrong, childbirth is a beautiful experience! Seeing that little cute face for the first time and seeing their tiny little hands and feet make you almost forget about the disaster that’s going on down there . . . I said ALMOST.
It’s time! I think? Here are some 5 things to know that helped me get back in the mood after having a baby:
1. Expect physical changes.
When a woman has a vaginal delivery, these are some things that could happen to a woman’s vagina:
- Stretching and Expansion
Baby’s heads can be around 12-14 inches in circumference. It’ll hurt, but hopefully a bigger head means a smarter baby! - Tearing or Episiotomy
Some women experience tearing in the vaginal tissue or require an episiotomy, a surgical cut to widen the vaginal opening. Yup, an actual CUT to widen your vagina. - Pressure, Swelling, and Bruising
It can feel like someone punched you in your vagina. I’d rather take a punch to the face personally.
These are just to name a FEW! I mentioned these because they are the most common, and almost 100% of women who have vaginal deliveries will go through at least one of these.
2. You might feel different about your body.
Now you’re home and recovering and you’ve waited the 4-6 weeks your doctor recommended and you’re ready to have sex! Well, “ready” is a strong word. We talked about what happens to our vaginas after childbirth, but now let’s talk about what happens to the rest of our bodies.
Bodies. Every body is different. I gained some weight during pregnancy, so when it was time to feel “sexy,” it was hard for me to even look at my body naked in the mirror. Let alone let my husband see me naked. And not to mention I was breastfeeding, so the thought of anyone other than my baby touching my breasts made me hurt just thinking about it. Mentally, I wasn’t there either. I mean, I wanted to have sex, but in my mind, I was not sexy, I was hurting, and I was still recovering.
3. Communicate with your partner.
Talk with your partner, and let them know where you are in the recovery process. Physically and mentally. Talk about how much more time you may think you need. This is important, not only for yourself but for your partner. For me, it looked like, “Babe, I think you are incredibly handsome. I find you very sexy, and I can’t wait to have sex with you, but right now, my vagina feels like someone threw a shot-put at it. I’m exhausted from feeling like a cow from this baby who is constantly sucking me dry.” They’ll understand.
4. Get into the grove of yourself.
When you’re feeling healed, take some “me” time *ahem* if you know what I mean. Take some time to feel sexy on your own before you embark on a sexcapade with your partner. This can be helpful because it’ll help you know your limits. If “getting to know yourself” is not for you, that’s okay. This can also look like finding an outfit that makes you look sexy! I mean, who doesn’t like to shop right?
Tell your partner to take the baby for a while and lock yourself in your room. Try on some clothes and look in the mirror and see what you can put on that makes you feel sexy. For me, since I had gained some weight, I found something a little more flowy that still accented the things that I loved about myself. It can be difficult, but you’re strong.
Remember, you just GAVE BIRTH! Speaking of being strong, take some time to strengthen your vagina. Do the Kegel exercises to whip her back into shape! Doing this whole process can take time, and it can be hard. But I promise, if you can take that time for yourself, then it’ll be easier to share yourself with your partner.
5. It’s time.
Okay, so now you’ve taken the time to heal physically, you’re feeling yourself, and the baby is asleep or with grandma. You’re ready to go! I’m sure this is the last thing you want to hear, but take it slow. Yes, I know, it’s hard after waiting for so long. But seriously take it slow. You don’t want to risk injuring yourself down there. She’s different now, she gave birth to a child, and she is still healing in many ways. Connect with your partner, and communicate with your partner. If something feels uncomfortable, speak up. Don’t be afraid to use lube. (If you’ve never needed it before, believe you’ll need it now).
If you need a little extra push, check out this article with a few extra tips for the bedroom.
Having sex for the first time after childbirth can even be traumatic if you had a hard delivery. Between vaginal tears, c-sections, and crying babies, sex might be the last thing you want to do. But remember to love yourself first, take it slow, and soon enough, you’ll get back to having the best sex of your life.
The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of ABQ Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.
