I was watching the new Inside Out movie with my two kiddos at the movie theater. One was trying to sit on my lap and make sure the floor was covered by snacks. Why not? The floor needs to eat too, right? The other child needed to go to the bathroom in the middle, but he LOVED the movie so much. He was locked in.
Back to the movie! While watching this movie, I was trying to digest it and understand my emotions at that moment and my emotions in my life at this time.
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I am 32 years old with two children and three bonus kids (who are grown). We co-parent with both of the other parents. This means we have different family dynamics. We also have different careers. My career has me traveling and working from home, and my husband co-owns a restaurant and works hard all day long.
Basically, my emotions are all over the place.
I do attend therapy on and off. On and off because insurance paid and it’s a juggle to find the right therapist. Anyways, this movie made me think about all the many emotions in my life.
Joy
My happiest moments at 32 are with my kids. I am always so excited to hear about the older kiddos, their jobs, dreams, school, etc. And I love taking the whole family on adventures when we can get everyone together. I love seeing the little ones learn with everything we do, seeing them smile, run, learn, or get over an obstacle. I just love everything about our kiddos, and they all bring so much joy to my life even on my worst days when I struggle with having joy. #MomLife
Sadness
My saddest moment at 32 has been dealing with the passing of one of my best friends. He passed away last year, and it has been difficult. I remember him all the time. He used to swear on cold showers, and I am a hot shower girl. So if the shower turns cold while I’m in it, I blame him, but then remember that he is not around to laugh about it.
He had a huge garden in his front yard. And he would spend countless hours and all his money on it. He talked about the mushrooms that he was starting under the trees in the backyard. He let me taste the fresh fruit and veggies. And he talked to me about expanding and helping others by making gardens in their front yards instead of wasting water on just grass. I see a garden in the front yard, and I want to call him up, but he is not here anymore.
He used to freeze dry Skittles and fruits for fun, and I would have him send them to me states away. And now I don’t want to purchase them even though they are popping up in stores now because I only want them shipped across the country from my friend. We used to talk for hours and hike to places and get lost. He wore INTO THE AM shirts that didn’t make sense to me, but now I want to buy those shirts. He would call me just to make me do breathing exercises because my life is overrun with anxiety and PTSD. I am sad. I miss my friend.
Disgust
I am disgusted at 32 with people that just radiate hate. They open their mouth and talk about how a certain race is beneath them or that if someone loves another person they should go somewhere. This makes me so sick. When people hurt another person because they think that they deserve that power, that disgusts me. People who flat-out lie also disgust me. Lying wastes energy and time for all parties involved. Disgust is ugly.
Fear
I am 32, and I fear losing more important people in my life as I grow older. The average life expectancy of a woman in the USA is 80.2 years. I make friends with people of all ages, and I’m coming up on the mid-point of my life soon. My family and I are all getting older, and this is scary for me. I know they will be in a better place. I know it is natural and it’s supposed to happen. But going through a pandemic and losing my best friend made me realize that people can pass away at any time. I don’t want to take my time for granted. I fear my friends being gone forever.
Anger
I don’t get angry much, but when I was a young adult, I thought I had anger issues. My therapist told me that I had PTSD and severe anxiety. I would get so overwhelmed and confused that I couldn’t process a situation correctly. My mind would be clouded, and my body would be shaking. I would scream to be heard.
But I’m not often an angry person. I have been angry very few times in my life. When someone cheated on me over and over again and I felt humiliated, I was angry. That was in my young twenties.
I get frustrated now, but I wouldn’t say angry. I will clean the floor when my kiddos spill milk. And then they drop cereal. So I get frustrated because I clean so many times, but I try to be a gentle parent. My husband still leaves the seat up in the bathroom. That’s frustrating. But I’m not angry about much, if anything, anymore.
Embarrassment
Embarrassment is a whole different world when you are an adult. Usually my kids are screaming because they are overwhelmed, and I’m embarrassed and trying to disappear. I also tend to trip over my own feet or run into walls pretty often. I get very embarrassed when this happens.
People are usually pretty nice when I’m tripping or running into walls, but when my kid was screaming in an airport for hours while our flight was delayed and I was all alone with my kids . . . everyone just started asking me to take care of them and get them to be quiet. I just wanted to hide and cry at that moment too. Embarrassment is so real.
Anxiety
Oh anxiety and I know each other very well at this point of my life. At 32 years old, I have had anxiety most of my life. I have been medicated most of my adult life, but struggled for years, freaking out over going to work or stepping outside my house to purchase groceries. I would get this deep gut feeling that would make me want to stay home. If I did finally force myself to go to work or on errands, I would feel like I was in a tornado. I would immediately feel overwhelmed and have a million things on my mind.
I was a planner, and I would have everything planned to the T on my calendar at all times. Every second of every day was planned. Anxiety has always been a part of my life. I’m learning more to accept it, and I’m on some good medicine for me that took years to figure out. Oh, anxiety.
Ennui (Boredom)
32 and boredom. Is that a thing when you have kids? I feel like I’m not usually bored. Maybe when I’m on a work trip and trying to find work to do while waiting for my flight to board. That’s the boredom that I feel. I miss my kids. I try to pick an audiobook to listen to or sleep if I can’t find any work projects to complete. But I feel like boredom happens very rarely in my life.
Jealousy
Jealousy at 32 is different from jealousy at other times of my life. I remember being jealous of other people’s talent or success. Now I am jealous if people look well rested or have fun with their children when I’m working. Jealousy changes with time. I would love to go on a vacation with all of our kids every year to amazing places. Do you know how much it would cost to fly five kids, two adults, and possibly grandparents (to help with kids) to go on vacation? Or even to drive? It gets costly. It’s not impossible, but we drive and only go to places close enough for a day drive. We try to find places that have free or cheaper tickets. But this is my jealousy at 32. Family time and sleep.
Nostalgia
Nostalgia at 32 is a real thing. It hits me all the time. I miss the good ol’ days of my youth. I have been working and driving for more than half of my life. Sometimes I wish I was playing with all four of my siblings in the backyard again, looking for caterpillars and burying our dead fish in film canisters. I loved climbing trees and adventuring on my bike around my neighborhood with all the other kids in the area. I remember always having all of the ingredients and spices for anything that I might want to cook. Now I have to make lists and go to the store to purchase stuff. Oh, the simplicity of the good ol’ days.
So much of this resonated with me. Thank you for sharing.